Darker Side To Me
by Dea Isis
Summary: I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin? Robin centric.Slight RobRae.Graphic Drug Use.


**The truth** -- well, the truth is that I've had a long-standing problem with heroin addiction. To the point,eh? I've been known to sniff it, smoke it, swallow it, stick it up my arse and inject it into my veins.

Nobody would expect this from the perfect little boy wander now would they? That perhaps there was another reason that I wore a mask than to hide my identity? Oh, I do wander what would happen to the city if they found out that their precious little boy wander was a junkie! I laugh at it when I'm high. Doesn't seem so funny now. But neither does BB and Cy's arguing at the low point. The low is what comes after the high; sometimes I wander if it's really worth it. But as soon as it's in your veins there's nothing like it!

You'll be surprised how easily Heroin is obtained. There are many types that are available. I use my profession to order medical heroine. It's a lot better than that street shit doesn't have the added stuff, that can clot your blood. Also, there's Mexican black tar heroine, amazingly expensive, $300 a gram. But, lets face it when you're the son of a multi-billionaire that's not really a problem…

You probably think I'm a freak… Fact is, I am. I tried to stop once, went away for a 'holiday' I had one room which I was not meant to leave; one mattress; tomato soup, ten tins of; mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold; ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of; Magnesia, Milk of, one bottle; paracetamol; mouth wash; vitamins; mineral water; Diet Cola; pornography; one bucket for urine, one for faeces, and one for vomitus; one television; and one bottle of Valium.

Didn't work though, only really ever works if you actually want to get off. Which I don't. I have no need to! So why should I? Sounds pretty selfish huh? Probably because it is…

**_Selfish_**

That isn't a word that you'd consider to describe me is it? I'd sacrifice myself and lie in pain for day maybe even weeks for my friends, but give up my love? Never would I do such a thing.

I remember the first time I tried it, Bruce had made me go to one of these pathetic debutantes party. Fucking bitch didn't have two brain cells to rub together. Tried to hit on me. I missed going out with the guys and having a laugh. Went outside onto one of the balconies, a guy there was smoking something, can't remember it too well really. He offered me a joint. I was in a mood, didn't know what I was getting myself into. So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. Tried it many different ways after that, injecting it, sniffing it, swallowing it. Every way was just as good as the other.

I've never felt bad about lying to my friends, maybe slightly once when Raven nearly caught me. But that's it, and that was only because I was having perverted little fantasies about her in my hallucinations. You know all of those times where I was researching on Slade? I was getting high, probably would have beaten him by now if it weren't for my love. That's why my rooms so dark, when your high, your pupils dilate it hurts your eyes if it's too bright. Not that you'll ever get to see if my pupils are dilated… If you were to see my eyes right now, when I'm high, you'd see dark bags that you'd never think possible, puffy red on the lid and my irises almost overcome with black. The veins on my arms are sticking out slightly now, they'll probably collapse if I carry on. I'm actually pretty grotesque to look at underneath all the clothing.

If those pathetic little obsessed girls could see me now.

I'm standing naked in front of the full length mirror in my bathroom this is what I do after I administer the dose, I don't know why, I love to watch myself, when the drug kicks in my reflection changes. I become Richard Grayson again, Devin air, handsome, suave, all those sorts of things. Then Raven walks in in just a tiny black thong…

Its always Raven I dream, or 'hallucinate' about. I know what I feel for her, it certainly isn't love. There is only one this that I love. But what I feel for her…. its certainly a kind of dark and dirty attraction. You couldn't count the number of times I've spent staring at her chest and longed to rip off that little tight leotard of her and shag her senseless. Whether she wanted to or not.

I can feel it begin to take effect now… I sniffed it today, it takes longer, but if I keep injecting there'll be no room left of any of my muscles to inject. And I don't particularly feel like injecting it into my eyeballs again after last time.

Injection is the quickest way of administering the drug, only takes seven to eight seconds, and sniffing take seven to eight minutes and peaks at ten to fifteen. I don't know how often I take the drug now… must be at least twice a day. It goes so fast; I don't know how I've managed to keep going for so long.

* * *

I'm alone in my room now, the highs gone. I'm sitting on my bed, wandering why this is worth it. I'm tempted to give myself another dose. But I have to pace myself the next shipment wont be here for another few days, and I only have small amount left. I'll need to ration my self 

**_What have I become?_**

I stand up and head back to my mirror, if it's possible, I look worse than before. I need to stop. I'm turning into a monster. The warm feeling is gone. I'm back to where I started, back to wanting more. You wouldn't think it but the lows are when your thinking most rationally. I live for the drugs. But maybe I need to live for myself? But deep down inside I know that nothing will change and the process will begin all over again tomorrow…

_**The only thing that I'm looking forward to…**_

_**Is the day that I die.**_

* * *

This was a completely spur of the moment thing. Inspired by the Movie 'Trainspotting'. I was trying to catch the REAL essence of the drug and create something dark but with wit. I hope that I have actually managed to convey the real depth and not make it one of these pathetic trying to be 'oh so deep' ones. I wanted to show that robin has a dark side, and wasn't all giving as we all believe. I'm also lookin for a BETA if anyones interested. 

I added a 'placebo' song 'every you and every me' at the end of it but its banned on this site so I'll simply add the link…

http/ you opinion in the reviews, it's a very controversial subject. Something that I hope no one should go through. I hope the writing quality is good enough to pull it off.

" _chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin?"_


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